March 10, 2003
Our platoon commander has been having meetings with all the squad leaders (planning and training stuff), and it sounds like we’re going balls to the wall. He says if we’re going to the front we’re dropping everything, and taking only food and ammo. Morale seems relatively high – probably from the adventure factor. Sounds like we may be in Kuwait within 10 days if the training schedule at Camp Lejeune doesn’t get lengthened.
We got a slightly propaganda-ish Iraq country briefing, and one on desert survival. In terms of politics in the world I’m loosing track of all those resolutions, votes, “phone calls,” etc. I just want to get over there. I’ve also realized I haven’t thought about the future much. Hopefully, I’ll be too busy to think about it. I wonder what they’re doing back home right now. Is it wrong of me to think that I feel almost lucky to be in this position, to see some facet of the world which is rare – and then have the ability to come home and bring those experiences with me? Well – we’ll see what kinds of experiences I actually take home…if I want them with me. A- isn’t sure if he wants to go back to school after our deployment. He said he’s not afraid of what’s ahead of us, but that he’s afraid of what it’ll be like going back home. He looks at other college students w/o a clue as to what’s going on, and gets pissed off. B- said he always just wanted to work as a bureaucrat, and that because of this he doesn’t want anything to do with that kind of work. He just wants to “go west” when we get back, and figure everything else later.
March 11, 2003
There are rumors today we may be at Camp Lejeune for two months. I can’t stand that thought of not being able to go overseas when the war’s still going on.
K- got his family hardship exemption today, so he won’t be coming with us. Some in the platoon say it’s a bad omen – that that goofy bast*rd was our good luck charm.
A bunch of us went to Ruby Tuesday’s at the mall last night. C- showed up with his fiancée. I feel bad for those two now that we’re leaving. It just doesn’t seem fair to any of us.
March 13, 2003
I have a really bad headache right now, and I hope to god it goes away quick so I can focus on the task at hand. Yesterday was the day we said goodbye to all of our families. The day got dragged out, and I had to said goodbye to the “rents” a few times – each time thinking it was the last. It was just a cluster f*ck all around as usual.
Before I said goodbye to my family, I saw K-’s family and his children crying…his daughter running up to him repeatedly…his son asking him when he’d be back. That hurt. K- handled it good. He gave a good “father’s answer,” but then I saw his own parents who lived through all this sh*t in communist Poland – and, it just all seemed to make it worse.
Other than that the day was just sitting around and waiting to leave. N- didn’t have his family there. He said he’d rather say goodbye to his wife on his own terms, and not the Marine Corps.
Even after all that crying with the families, an interesting thing happened. Once we were all sitting on the bus to go to Camp Lejeune, the platoon just settled into our normal routine: “smokin’ n’ joke’in,” laughing at stupid sh*t. I felt guilty that I had a smile on my face while both of my parents were still standing out in the cold waiting for the bus to leave. I guess I’m just more used to this sort of thing.
After the ride to Camp Lejeune we got several briefs, and that word that we should be off to SWA (Southwest Asia) pretty soon. At one point the battalion commander mentioned forces “going into the breach,” and I suddenly had an overwhelming fear of dying – of being thrown into battle and suddenly having my life in direct danger. Everything is just so uncertain.
March 16, 2003
Where to begin and where to end. I have so much to say, but now that it comes to writing I’m drawing a blank. We’ve had a good amount of time occupied by classes (which I don’t mind), and only today do we have a significant amount of time to ourselves, it being Sunday. Yesterday was filled with trips to the gas chamber and zeroing our rifles. Not much to note of yesterday save for good feeling of accomplishment when a long day is done, and you sit around bullshi**ing with the only people who can understand it all. I’d say morale is relatively good, or people just realize that it’s pointless to complain. One thing of note is that guys still don’t have uniforms that fit (or boots), and equipment seems to be coming in scattered, and in limited supply. There just seems to be a sense of irony there.
We received a class today from the major on combat fatigue. We learned that it’s alright to sh*t your pants and it’s best to talk about your feelings. It was all very strange to hear such things, and in one sense I can’t see any of us put into such drastic situations–but at the same time I’m beginning to see just how easy it is for me to die…how insignificant my life is in the grand scheme of the war (which rumors say should start in a few days).
I’ve found I don’t look to the future that much. I want to go back to NYC, but for what? I’m not kidding myself. I really didn’t miss it until I was told I had to leave. But I suppose what A- and I talked about today sums up everything: in some sense life like this in the military is simplified and never do I have to second guess the present course of my life in terms of fulfillment. Basically, I guess I feel very neutral about everything…content just to see what happens.
March 18, 2003
Last night Bush gave “the speech,” and Saddam has 48 hours before things start happening. Also, it seems like the whole world is against us – it really feels like we’re about to enter into some real terrible times. It’s all an extension of 9/11, which seems like it’s already something for the history books. I had planned to watch the speech in the barracks, but Sergeant O- took a Marine in my fire team out for a run, and the guy sprained his ankle. So, I ended up watching in an eerily silent emergency room with a scattering of military families who were also there. They had looks on their faces that seemed like they were about to head into combat themselves. Sergeant O- seemed to take the Marine’s sprained ankle to heart, beating himself up over his decision to run too fast. Of course, none of this was his fault and I wonder how bad things would really get for him if something were to happen to one of us in Iraq.
Other than that just more classes (did a run with gas masks today which sucked). Unfortunately, we’re falling into a routine which I hope gets broken up very soon.
